I had just gotten back from my week long trip to Colorado to go snowboarding with some friends. I previously mentioned in another blog post how that I was undergoing a lot of stress and internal conflict regarding personal matters.
I barely had any recovery time between snowboarding and staffing a (Confirmation) retreat away from home. Needless to say, the retreat was largely on my mind while I was on the slopes. It was definitely part of my stress.
While on the retreat, I had the opportunity to go to Adoration on my own. Actually, we had some logistical challenges because we would be having a Daily Mass on Saturday, but our tabernacle was malfunctioning. Because we couldn’t lock or unlock it properly, we would be without a secure place to repose the Eucharist. After some brain storming with my retreat core team, we thought it would be a good idea to set up the Eucharist in a monstrance and have private Adoration with assigned hours until Adoration later that night with everyone on the retreat.
I volunteered for the first hour as it was during lunch time, and by the time my hour would be over, it would be necessary for me to get back to my retreat duties.
I finished my lunch rather quickly and couldn’t hang around to socialize.
I approached the chair closet-now-turned-into-a-small-chapel with care and reverence knowing Who was dwelling within.
I walk in, knelt, and adored.
Honestly, at the time, I was carrying a lot of burdens primarily from the all the stuff that was on my mind and heart from the snowboarding trip. I was just about ready to share my vulnerabilities with Christ in the Eucharist when the seminarians, who were also helping with this retreat, came in to devest and put away their vestments (the chair closet was also our makeshift vesting sacristy) from Daily Mass.
Rude. Lol, jk. #Forgiveness
After they left, I attempted to center myself back on Christ and just give Him all that I have interiorly.
Around this time, the retreaters outside had mostly finished their lunch and many were talking loudly just outside. Of course, whenever distractions like this happens when I’m in solemn moments, I realize it’s an opportunity to focus all the more on what I should be focusing on. It’s a skill I’ve learned from being at Mass with a bunch of crying babies.
I was almost successful at tuning out the voices of the crowd outside the door, but that’s when they busted out the guitar. And started singing.
At first I couldn’t tell what song they were singing as it was a combination of me trying not to pay attention and how things tend to sound muffled through a closed door. After a while, the tune became clearer. The words became recognizable. And the Filipino in me wanted to karaoke right then and there!
The nerve! Beyond this chair closet chamber door, they sang a T-Swift song that leaveth my mind never more.
“You Belong With Me” was that catchy tune at Saturday noon.
Because it took me a litle while to figure out what song they were singing, the part when I finally caught on was the chorus:
If you could see
That I’m the one
Who understands you
Been here all along.
So why can’t you see–
you belong with me.
You belong with me.
Whilst my ears were towards the door and the crowd singing, my eyes were gazing at Him.
|Not a stock photo–this is actual|
Then it freakin’ hit me. It was such an incredibly real realization how listening to the words of this chorus and adoring Him fuzed together in a gloriously profound moment for me. It was somehow the most perfect thing for me to listen to at that moment because given that all I was praying about and going through internally. Taylor Swift’s words were no longer Taylor Swift’s words. Rather, it seemed to make sense that He, Himself, were saying these words to me personally.
If only I could see that He’s the one that understands me. He’s been here all along so why can’t I see that I belong to Him?
|One more time|
I guess I was rather shaken by that realization. It was comforting though because most of my struggles stem from the fact that I tend to carry the attitude that I belong only to myself, but this reminder in knowing that I, in fact, belong to God gave me a sense of peace in regards to my struggles. I don’t know that I can properly express this in words.
The only downside was not having tissues handy because a strange clear wet liquid was emerging from my eyes. Not out of sadness, but of joy.
But yes. A really deep and profound moment involving a Taylor Swift song while in Adoration. Life is comical sometimes.
It’s been a long while since I had this experience. I guess my response has been that this profound moment is now a tangible reminder of God’s love for me as a way to fill my sense and need for belonging. He is sufficient enough. It’s been easier dealing with weak moments or falling into the lies that I’m not good enough or loved enough.
Now, because I know that I belong with Him, I’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town. 😀